The Happening?

This post is a bit over due, but as the saying goes, better late than never:

So, I went to see The Happening with wife and my brother. I was very eager to see this movie. I had been bombarded with flashes of violent deaths, supernatural events and the ever present R rating. At this point, I am not sure if that R stands for the rating or if it stands for REALLY?!?!

This movie was far and beyond everything I expected. Keep in mind my expectations were; I would see a good movie, I would enjoy it and I would come out talking about how wonderful it was. Instead I was left wondering why? Why? Why would anyone put that Thing ( I don't like referring to it as a movie) on the big screen.

The Thing starts off with a beautiful day in Central Park. On a bench we find two young women reading and having pleasant conversation as the park-strollers pass by. Then the world seems to freeze. A scream is heard, everyone seems to stop dead in their tracks. Everyone except for one of our lovely ladies reading a book seems to lose all awareness and motor skills. (Why did it effect everyone but her? Who knows!) The other bench reader decides this would be a good time to remove a pin from her hair and thrust it into her neck. (Something I contemplated myself, within a mere hour).

We then move to a scene in which construction workers are lunging themselves off of buildings. While watching this, one gets the sense that this is foreshadowing for how violent and frightening this movie is going to be. After sitting through the entire thing, you realize it was only a premonition of things to come inside the theater; as movie goers began throwing themselves from the balcony to escape this horrendous flick. If I had not such a frugal nature, I myself may have joined the pack rushing towards the doors. However, I paid my $7.00 and by God I was going to sit there and watch ever minute of the Thing. I am surprised that I survived to make this post.

Mark Wahlberg plays Elliot, a high school science teacher, who through the course of this film discovers the cause for the mass suicide. By mere "coincidence", Elliot stumbles upon a greenhouse owner who explains to him that plants can emit a neurotoxin whenever they feel threatened and that they react to human stimulus. To make a long story short: the plants got tired of us wrecking the world and decided to take vengeance.

Mark Wahlberg delivers ( in my personal opinion) the worst performs since he, walked with a limp, talked like he was from the hood and dropped his drawers on stage as one of the members of the prestigious Funky Bunch. I have to say that I was completely distraught after watching his performance. I am huge fan of Marky Mark, oh excuse me, Mark Wahlberg. I think he is an excellent actor, but his performance in this flat out stunk. It's as if M. Night Shyamalan said, "Okay, you have a condition that causes you to speak with multiple, interrupted pauses and the pitch of your voice never coincides with what is happening around you, GO!"

But I do not want to completely trash Mr. Wahlberg. I can understand that it must be difficult to function properly when you have to work day-in and day-out with Zobot Deschanel 1.0 (Zooey Deschanel to the uninformed). Deschanel, from the tribe of "Deer Lost In Headlights" (see pic below) steals the show for bad acting in this film. She was not the only reason this film sucked, but she did help facilitate it into sucky-land. Proving again that she can destroy any good idea that she becomes associated with. (See Tin Man)

Once again I must ask the question; how does this robot ^ keep getting work?!?!

All-in-all, this movie was really bad. There was a scene where the characters ran away from the wind... and actually beat it! Obviously no one on the production crew has ever been to the Midwest, because you cannot run from wind. It doesn't chase after you like a freakin' animal. It hits you before you know its even windy.

I will admit that I like the idea. Mother Nature getting pissed off at us and taking out her wrath is a scary thought. I think it could make a good movie, but only if a restraining order is placed against everyone that was involved in this movie.

The best part of the whole movie, (with exception of when I could finally leave) was when Mark Wahlberg is in an abandoned home and finds himself face-to-face with a Ficus. He talks to the tree, tries to soothe it; hoping that the tree will not release the toxin that can kill him. Only to realize the tree is plastic. This got a few chuckles from the disgruntled audience.

The worst part of the movie, was every part that did not include Mark Wahlberg talking to a fake ficus. The movie needs to be renamed from M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" to M. Night Shyamalan "What's Happening". As in what is happening to your career? Don't drop the rated R bomb on us and then deliver something that isn't even worth the 99 cent bag of peanuts I sneaked into the theater.

In the end I did leave with one happy notion. I now know, that if ever the mood strikes me, I can take a bucket of wet dog crap, film it for 90 minutes, slap a title on it and call it a movie. Maybe I will call it "The Crappening".